Episode eight of The Ultimate Fighter (TUF) 8 is now underway and after the recap of Magalhaes vs. Bruchez, we cut back to the TUF mansion where Team Red is eating more fruit than the cast of ‘Queer as Folk’.

An unsuspecting Tom Lawlor returns from training to find his daily fruit platter has once again been ravaged beyond recognition by Team Blue and vows immediate revenge.

He takes a new, freshly delivered fruit platter and urinates all over it in the hopes that the mid-morning fruit-nappers will consume the yellow sangria and get drunk on remorse. He even invites his fellow team members to contribute their unholy yellowness to which they gleefully oblige.

The fruit is then returned to the fridge in its amber tomb and now all we can do is wait for the inevitable.

In the meantime, everyone heads over to the gym for the lightweight fight selection. Coach Mir chooses Dave Kaplan to face Coach Nogueira’s number one pick Phillipe Nover. Mir is convinced that Kaplan’s granite chin and Ernesto Hoost-trained striking will baffle Nover en route to a shocking loss. Coach Nogueira does not concur.

Afterward, Team Red returns to the house and predictably dives right into the infected fruit platter. They spend the next few minutes enjoying themselves (and some of Team Blue) until Kaplan drops the P-Bomb and the fruity felons scatter in a nauseating panic.

Ryan Bader and Kyle Kingsbury don’t really seem too bothered by the ingestion of another man’s excrement, while Phillipe Nover is considering having his stomach pumped.

With the silliness behind them, Team Blue goes into training mode and Kaplan gives us some of his credentials which on the surface are rather impressive. Coach Mir professes his attachment to him and calls Kaplan “Devastating on his feet”.

Kaplan is also devastating in the fridge, as Phillipe Nover hears from Efrain Escudero that Kaplan has been devouring Nover’s sushi platter on a daily basis before he can get his hands on it.

Fruit platter, part deux.

Kyle Kingsbury leads the charge and decides what better way to punish the sushi stealer than by dropping a billion and one offspring into the center of a California roll.

Now I know how this episode got named “Splushi”.

In the gym, Junie Browning complains that he’s the only one training at full-speed and that the lack of effort from his teammates leaves him feeling alone in his quest to become a better fighter. He takes particular exception to Dave Kaplan, who Junie feels doesn’t want anything to do with the lightweights despite being one himself.

Coach Mir dismisses the complaint as Junie simply acting like a drama queen – an argument that may have merit considering his earlier infractions.

Once again we take a break from the action to further the exploits of the fabulous Food Five. We find Kyle and Phillipe prepping the sushi for its date with destiny and Kyle excuses himself into the bathroom for a round of cock-hockey.

Following the extraction, he returns with a certain sense of satisfaction and proceeds to coat the sushi with his liquid manhood.

Sure enough, Kaplan does not disappoint. Instead of being on guard after the fruit fiasco, Kaplan just plows forward and gobbles up some of the jizz tempura despite it having Nover’s name right on the front of the cover.

Team Red gets wind of the consumption and spends the next few minutes pointing and laughing. Kaplan promises to spread his feces on their bodies within the next three days.

The slow piano music kicks in and it’s time for a closer look at Phillipe Nover. Like Kaplan, he has an impressive resume but proves to be an interesting dichotomy in that he likes to heal people as an emergency room nurse and destroy people as an MMA fighter.

I guess it’s all in the timing.

Nover channels his Filipino heritage and introduces Team Red to Balut, also known as ‘The Egg of Darkness’. For those of you on this side of the cultural curve, Balut is basically a duck abortion in your mouth. Think of what Mike Tyson had planned for the children of Lenox Lewis and you get the idea.

At the weigh-ins, both fighters squeeze in at 156 lbs. Kaplan spends time before and after dazzling Team Blue with his knowledge of the world’s capitals. Nover saunters in wearing sunglasses and gets the stamp of approval from UFC President Dana White. Kaplan thinks the only thing Nover can do better than him is be Filipino.

The night before the fight, Junie Browning (presumably bitter that he’s no longer the chosen one) pays a visit to Team Red to share some inside information with Phillipe Nover on the style and habits of Dave Kaplan. A grateful Nover digests the information and an impromptu visit from Coach Nogueira gets the gang together to talk shop.

In the locker rooms before the fight, Kaplan lets Coach Hahn bash him in the face with sparring mitts while Coach Nogueira splashes water on Nover’s face in hopes that the power of Christ will compel him.

Team Mir’s Dave Kaplan (2-1) vs. Team Nogueira’s Phillipe Nover (4-0-1)

Round 1: Nover with a jab and Kaplan answers with an inside kick. Again. And again. Nice leg kick by Kaplan. Nover with an accurate left-right combo that forces Kaplan to hide his head. Nover fires off a series of accurate and powerful punches that crumble Kaplan. Nover pounces and Kaplan is holding on for dear life. Kaplan resists at first but Nover is too strong and is able to land punches from mount. Kaplan twists and rolls until Nover takes his back, flattens him out and sinks in the rear naked choke. Fight over.

Phillipe Nover defeats Dave Kaplan via submission (rear naked choke)

After the fight, a pumped-up Coach Nogueira tells Nover that he’s impressed Dana White for the second time. Dana compares Nover to a young Georges St. Pierre.

In the locker room of Team Blue, a stunned Coach Mir is speechless. Junie Browning on the other hand is happy that Kaplan got a reality check. Kaplan gives new meaning to the phrase ‘gracious in defeat’ by going on and on about how much better he is than Nover despite getting tooled in the cage. Incredulously, Coach Mir agrees.

The only thing I took from this episode (other than a sudden need for antacids) is that Phillipe Nover is one to watch. Like the NBA playoffs, I could have done without anything prior to the final five minutes of the broadcast.

Stay tuned next week as a wounded Kaplan goes on a bender, Mir and Nogueira face off in the Coach’s Challenge and Kyle Kingsbury fights Krzysztof Soszynski in the final light heavyweight elimination bout.

See you in seven!