By Jesse Holland
Special to UFCmania
Well we’re off to the races with season 5 of The Ultimate Fighter underway. As usual the cast arrives at the kind of sprawling estate that most up-and-coming UFC fighters live in. What immediately catches my attention is the flagpole named Corey who at 6′4″ is this season’s Kendall Grove. He can only hope to perform as well.
The cast strolls in to the palace with mouths agape and Gabe decides now would be a good time to declare himself the resident A-hole for the season. He runs around pushing and shoving, sitting in people’s laps, and grinning that kind of insecure grin that blatantly screams “I need attention”.
We cut to Chief Sitting Bald, Dana White, who promises a very “nutty” season (which marks the second use of the word “nutty” in ten minutes). Unofficially I have the fight scored Nutty 2, F-bomb 0. Either Dana is losing his touch or this week’s episode is sponsored by Planters.
After the Dana segment we get a quick history on the Penn/Pulver feud with Jens explaining that in their first fight he beat BJ fair and square and I quote “Pissed on his Wheaties”. Something tells me after that visual that Jens can forget about showing up on a cereal box anytime soon.
It’s time for fighter evaluations and Jens gets first dibs. He puts them through a battery of exercises and keeps his distance observing from afar. He keeps them busy for quite a while and by the time BJ rolls in for his crack at the fighters they’re flat-out bushed.
BJ cries foul and blames Jens for wearing the guys out for no other reason than to make it hard for him to make a fair assessment. He decides there’s no point in evaluating tired fighters and calls it a day about halfway through. The strategy must have worked because the van ride home has a lot of guys professing their love for the Hawaiian Lion.
The next day is team selections and Lil’ Evil wins the coin toss. He gets his choice of picks: first fighter or first fight. He wisely goes with first fight and a scorned BJ decides it’s punking time. He asks for a show of hands on who wants to pledge their allegiance to Team Penn and ignore Team Pulver. 10 of 16 hands go up and Pulver scowls.
The inmates start running the asylum as Dana instructs BJ to make his first pick and Jens (in a moment of wounded defiance) tells the guys that rose their hands to keep them up so they can all align themselves with BJ. Dana says no and tells them to put there hands down. BJ says put them back up so they can all join him. Dana says put them down because it doesn’t work that way. More bickering ensues. Hands go up and down so many times all that was missing was a funky beat and someone yelling “raise da’ roof”.
Dana blows his stack, the F-word flies (finally) and the coaches eventually make their selections. The entire segment makes Ken/Tito look like Kasparov/Deep Blue. Tribalism rears its ugly head as guys don their new jerseys and the house turns into Lord of the Flies. Corey starts calling out the world and runs around barking and snarling. Funny what some people will do when they know the camera’s watching.
Team Penn looks like they may have second thoughts as they’re rousted at 6am for a day of hard training. Pulver takes a more conservative approach and labels himself more of a representative than a coach. Way to disassociate yourself from the group Jens. Don’t worry, it’s only episode one, they’re not a reflection on you as of yet.
Suddenly we go from Ultimate Fighter to Montel Williams as Gabe finds weight to be his biggest enemy. Roughly twenty pounds overweight, he mopes about wondering aloud why he can’t lose weight. BJ implies that Gabe may have to sever his own head because twenty pounds weighs as much as a human head. Apparently BJ doesn’t own a mirror.
In any case, Gabe wanders off by himself and starts crying about his weight (yes, crying as in tears). He finds comfort in the arms of a Team Penn trainer and the guys exit the gym to see them embrace. The pile into the van and the best BJ can say to comfort him is that Gabe is giving 100%. A fellow cast member remarks that maybe Gabe should stop giving 100% in the kitchen. Moments like this really have me longing for the return of Matt Hughes.
It’s time for the fight picks and Team Pulver sends Cole Miller into action. I think they miss a real opportunity here as they pass over a bloated and watery-eyed Gabe to get to Allen Berube, the fighting restaurateur who wants publicity for his eatery. After the announcement the chosen combatants slam their heads together like two rams trying to impress a doeling.
We learn that Allen is originally from Maine, so we can forgive his silly phrases like “I hit hotter than anyone else”. What we cannot forgive, is the fact that he calls himself the Crustacean Sensation. As someone who has roots in Maine, I can attest that in fact this is considered acceptable behavior in Vacationland. There is nothing to do in Maine except shovel snow and eat lobsters. It can do things to your brain. But I digress.
I start to get excited as the fighters enter the cage. I go for the volume on my remote but inadvertently hit “info” which alerts me to the time: 10:54. Ugh, six minutes left in the show and they haven’t started fighting. Looks like this one is ending early.
They get it on and things move as expected. Some striking, some grappling, and BJ being the good coach that he is keeps screaming to Allen MATZOH! MATZOH! in honor of Passover. Or is that monster? I must have missed that part of the show where they label him as one or the other.
Allen makes a mistake and gets caught in a triangle. It’s over early and Jens looks satisfied after drawing first blood. Allen’s post-fight interview finds him in good spirits. He explains that he didn’t really lose he just got submitted. I guess in his mind only a (T)KO is a loss. In the famous words of George Costanza: It’s not a lie if you believe it.
Corey Miller refuses to be upstaged in the Octagon or in the post-fight interview. He looks directly at the camera and sends the viewers a message: He isn’t cocky, he just says what he’s going to do and does it. Well I have a message for you Mr. Miller: You beat a 2-1 lobster chef, try not to pull a muscle patting yourself on the back.
Week 1 is in the books and while it was mildly entertaining, I’m not ready to call it a home run just yet. Only time will tell. Next week we’re promised a surprise mystery guest, a shirtless Nate Diaz, and a lot of mental breakdowns. See you then!
46 Comments »
Yeah that made me laugh too ufcmania…basically calling yourself a water roach is not a tuff nickname at all.
Well that showed, in my mind did not make for a premiere. I think that BJ was really only trying to get knowledge of who would work for him or not. When you think about it how was he to know that Pulver was unliked. Any way, I am not a real huge fan of either of these guys, but I am warming up to Penn. I think the reason am warming up to him is due to his dislike towards Matt Hues. All in all tonights episode was boring and unimpressive.
LATER
Chris
He was calling him Monstah, because his crappy restaurant is called Monstah Lobster
Man i was a good episode, I just think that the 155 guys cry way to much. I KEEP GAINING WEIGHT WHAAAAAAAAAA,WHAAAAAAAAAA, DONT MAKE FUN OF ME WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
do you think these shorts make me look fat….lol
Sounds like they got a real bunch of asshats this season, although I have yet to watch the episode.
The next episode with Nate Diaz looks good. I can’t take Jens’ team serious in the Laker gear. BJ Penn is the man — he’s such an ass, but I love it.
I’m betting the house gets burned down (literaly). There has to be at least one pyro in this bunch of loones. Should be a crazy season.
haha yeah whats with the colors….i guess they dont make those jerseys in blue red green or black anymore??
Weren’t we promised the best fight of the entire TUF series?
Or will that be the next episode? Or the next episode? Or the one
after that?
Dana did say the 155-ers are a bunch of loons, which i am sure he loves cause it makes for entertaining television and deepens his pockets - i think he attributed it to “little man’s complex.” Although Corey ain’t so little, but did act like an ass barking around the house like DMX. Either way, with that behavior, the tears and sarcasm and a-hole comments from the coaches, i will be glued to the tv. Watching the fighters throw down at the end of each episode is just a bonus.
[quote comment=”27560″]Yeah that made me laugh too ufcmania…basically calling yourself a water roach is not a tuff nickname at all.[/quote]
Jesse Holland is the author … just want to point that out. I forgot the byline last night.
Yes, by the way, great article Jesse. Your witty remarks always make for a good read.
this show is gonna live up to the hype, i can’t wait for next week already…
Pulvers team will dominate.
He made smart picks. He got to see them at thier best.
He also has a friend or Karo Parisyans and Diaz bro. Thats a good start.
At the end of Fnf I could tell Penn wasnt as confidant, you could hear the tightness in his voice. I think he actually has doubts.
I think Penn will kill pulver but I have a feeling the show will make pulver look better.
I really wish that Ruediger would have been called out by Corey Hill come fight selection time. I wouldnt mind seeing either one of those assholes gone. Then again, Corey Miller was correct in his assumption that those who arent here to take it serious need to leave. I cant bring myself to believe that the “Monster” had his heart set on a UFC career. He was there to promot his restaraunt.
I wonder is there anything stopping Pulver or Penn from kicking Hills A$$.
With his mouth it will only take so long, Maybe there is a shot at either Penn or Pulver winner for the winner of the TUF 5 winner.
I say on TUF 6 they should have 3 teams… I dont think the coaches put 100% into any of the fighters if they are in the same division, it wouldnt make sense to “Help” your competition.
Great Article! I laughed my head off and found it even more entertaining than the show itself. Keep up the good work!
gabe - what a crybaby…..
saw him this past weekend walking around at the Pan Ams…you think he’s fat on the show, you should have seen him when he was eating Brazilian BBQ!
I was sort of disappointed, with all the hype surrounding this show, I thought it was o.k but not all that, I hope it gets better. The guys on the show seem much weirder than other shows, makes me wonder if they are purposely putting a bunch of odd balls together to get better ratings.
So what have we learned so far? Nate Diaz little brother seems to be an equally skilled fighter, Corey Hill is crazy and competing for the “I am the most annoying asshat here” award with Crying Freeman Gabe Ruediger. As for Corey Miller: yea, right - you beat a 2-1, talk smack in the post-fight interview but at the time of the decision you cry like a little girl and run out so people don’t see it!?
Geez - I’d love to punch some respect into half of those clowns. Can’t wait to see Lauzon take the Pulver team apart.
Lauzon seems like he will be aroud for awhile and be succesful…I like his attitude
I’m going to enjoy watching some of these brats get their asses kicked.
Dont forget about Lauzon’s weekly blog:
http://sports.bostonherald.com/ufc/view.bg?articleid=193013
Nice article, I’ll make sure to check out his blog after each episode. Good to know there is at least one literate in the house. Education for the win!
good stuff from Lazon…standup dude
That was an interesting read, thanks for the link Mania!
Berube was on the Bubba the Lovesponge show yesterday… seemed like a cool guy as Bubba was trying to get a threesome with her and his wife.
Jesse, I dont think Jens was trying to disassociate himself from the pack when he said what he said. I think it was more along the lines of he is guiding these guys, not coaching.
Cole Miller and Corey Hill might have the big advantage in this series… the sheer size make them stronger just by leverage, and as we have see with Miller’s jujitsu ending on Berube, aswell as Kendall’s lacky ass victories too… but thats just my thoughts.
Also, I dont know if anyone caught the interveiw Rogan had with Penn and Pulver @ fight night. Just after that interveiw, seeing how bitter Penn was about the topic, leads me to beleive that Pulver’s team cleaned house ah-la Ortiz/Shamrock.
Great first episode!
Joe’s a cool guy so far…and definatly heavy handed, but if he stays in the sport long he’ll be known for the ugliest ears in the game. Those big sticking out things will get so cali’ed up, it will be a sight to see.
[quote comment=”27722″]He was calling him Monstah, because his crappy restaurant is called Monstah Lobster[/quote]
Have you been to his restaurant? Dont know how you can call it crappy.
And his nickname is the Monstah Crustatian. Hence ‘Monstah’
Did you hatefill bastards talk shit about Serra calling Sell ‘Draco’ last season?
Just after that interveiw, seeing how bitter Penn was about the topic, leads me to beleive that Pulver’s team cleaned house ah-la Ortiz/Shamrock.
I seen that too Luppers…good call.
[quote comment=”27801″]He also has a friend or Karo Parisyans and Diaz bro. Thats a good start.[/quote]I think its the guy with the hard to pronounce name, and its Karo’s cousin. =)
[quote comment=”27816″]I dont think the coaches put 100% into any of the fighters if they are in the same division, it wouldnt make sense to “Help” your competition.[/quote]
You got a REALLY good point, but I think Pulver is close to being done with fighting.
(sorry, dont mean to be posting up mad replies..)
[quote comment=”27956″]Just after that interveiw, seeing how bitter Penn was about the topic, leads me to beleive that Pulver’s team cleaned house ah-la Ortiz/Shamrock.
I seen that too Luppers…good call.[/quote]
I was thinking the same thing when I saw rogan interviewing penn and pulver, penn looked very uncomfortable and edgy, makes me think maybe his team lost.
I thought the episode was good but I don’t understand why there was so much emotion flowing out of every fighter. Two guys crying in one show. What the F*%& was that. It made 155lbs look like f$#k*ng cry babies. That dude thought he was bad because he beat a guy who has been fighting to promote his resturant. I hope all the guys are not retarted like this.
Great article Jesse, as always. I couldn’t believe how stupid and immature these lightweights are. I know they are fighters and so forth but they just acted like kids to me. I hope somebody beats the shit out of Corey…what an idiot. I started laughing when they showed next weeks episode and it looked like a couple of guys were getting ready to duke it out at the house. Two guys started taking their shirts off and talking trash. They were so skinny they looked like 12yr old boys trying to be badasses. I think this will be an exciting season for the drama but not the fighting. Cole Miller looked like shit in a win over a restaurant owner. I like Penn better but I dont think his team will win due to the previous statements about being able to get a grasp of who’s who due to their exhaustion.
This episode makes me slap myself for not going to Hollywood.
I think Lauzon will win the whole thing, not because he ko Pulver but hes the smartest fighter there, I saw an interview with him a while back hes a smart and well rounded
Corey looks like a giant, anorexic drag queen. Everything about him is bizarre, Ive never seen such a batch of miss fits…..barking like a dog, crying over weight, whats next?
Whats with the remark about guys from Maine being gay, Is it a inside joke in the USA.
I seen them shaving someones head, that could get nasty.
Corey reminds me of Snoop dogg. I bet snoop is around 155 too, maybe its his cousin or something…
ALL IN ALL SO FAR IT’S NOT THE BEST FIRST FIGHT OF THE TUF SEASONS(1-5) AND THE ONLY REASON THIS WILL BE BETTER THAN SEASON 1 IS CAUSE SEASON ONE HAD THEM DUMB ASS EVENTS INSTEAD OF FIGHTING RIGHTOUT OF THE GATE BUT LETS GO JOE….100….
I didnt like Hill before, I really cant stand that dude now. Cant wait to watch him get his ass kicked by Diaz or J-Lau.
Cory reminds me of one of those guys who needs to talk down on someone just to build his own dumb ass ego up, he should join team punishment, cory and tito can see who stares at who the longest.
Episode 1 and Episode 2 were almost identical…that’s not a good thing